Today I want to express some concerns I have for people in bad or unhappy relationships.
As a woman, I understand that feeling that trying to stand alone is hard. And I mean like really hard! Standing on your own two feet can be difficult, knowing someone isn't on the other end of the phone, or waiting for you when you come home.
I spent most of my teenage years thinking that I would only feel happy when a boy told me he loved me, which later I would find out was not true. Boys told me that I should cover my face in makeup because my natural beauty was disgusting and to only wear things that made them happy, like uncomfortable thongs and high neck tops so no one could see anything slightly sexual about me when in public.
But I "loved" these guys. I would fantasise about so many different scenarios of marriage, every time there would be the new boy's face stuck on a body that wasn't his. I would apologise for things that weren't my fault because I was so scared to be on my own. I would think my relationships were healthy because I didn't realise how insecure I was. I would be so prepared to be broken up with, that is cry at night in case he did it in the morning.
I went to university with this mind set of "keep your boyfriend happy and he won't leave", I thought I needed the lifeline. After that one fell through, my world kind of span out. There was a lot of time I spent sat in the window with a bottle of wine before the big nights out, silent tears rolling down my face because I couldn't stand the thought of being alone, which I hated.
I started to feel more positive about myself after waking up one morning on the floor of my halls, a few numbers in my phone from guys I didn't care about. I scrolled through my phone and deleted them all, the mistakes and the liars and the toxic people that I really didn't need. I was so ready to be alone.
My friends would say "why don't you want a boyfriend?" And I would say "because right now, I want to love myself, and that's okay. I love myself more than I can love any man." A statement which is still true to this day. Although now I do love a man, I still love myself enough to say if things were bad, I would get out.
But this is the message I should have told my fifteen year old self; you are enough. You can stand alone and you can be yourself. One day you're going to find a guy who inspires you to become your best self, and you will push him away but this one ain't gonna move. But you can live without him being there every second, you can text him at the end of the day and he'll still love you. You can wear whatever you want, because this guy knows you're gonna be faithful and he doesn't mind how you look because he thinks you're beautiful all the time.
You are more than enough by yourself darling. You can make things happen and he's going to be standing at the top of the mountain with you, not throwing you off it.
If you read this and it has resonated with you, then I suggest taking a look at your life, like I did. Cleanse yourself from this poisonous environment until you find someone real and worth it, which could be a guy, but it could also be you who you find.
I love you all and you are enough.
Thanks for reading,